Love and Identity

There is a lot of dialogue out there about a significant other “completing” us or making our lives “whole”. Indeed: love, belonging and partnership enrich many of our lives, and that level of closeness can be a wonderful learning experience in how to share your life and pieces of yourself with someone else for those who choose to. Often, part of the process of committing to another person (this can be romantically/sexually or in a platonic relationship) is adapting our identities to include our relational role - as a wife, husband. partner, friend etc. We come to see ourselves in a new light and understand ourselves in the context of truly mattering to someone else and developing a mutual sense of reliance. That belief, I matter to someone else, is powerful and can be extremely rewarding.

Because humans are inherently social creatures, our relational roles are often at the forefront of how we see ourselves, and rightfully so: valuing and cherishing our most important relationships enhances connectedness. Social connectedness is associated with lower rates of anxiety and depression, as well as increased self-esteem and capacity for empathy. It has also been associated with physiological changes, such as improved immune system functioning.

When your relationship/partnership identity runs into trouble is when it becomes the only identity that you nourish and give attention to. Sometimes, we get so caught up in being a wife/husband/partner (and parent as well other roles, though that likely needs its own separate discussion) that everything we perceive about ourselves becomes tied to how the relationship is going. It is important to uphold your identity as an individual in addition to upholding your relational identity, because you have your own independent thoughts, feelings and experiences (regardless of how aligned you are with your partner). This independent identity needs nourishment and support in order to uphold your sense of self and allow for personal growth.

By allowing yourself space to independently grow, change, chase your goals and have separate interests (and giving your partner the space to do the same), you can avoid resentment due to feeling “stuck” or limited by your relationship. This can, in turn, strengthen the relationship and give you the opportunity to grow both together and as individuals.